proof

I’ve been working on some acrylic mixed media paintings that are exploring my journey through my pregnancy. Before I had the energy to actually get the brushes out and the paints I journaled and journaled and sketched out my thoughts.

It’s still kind of an incoherent jumble in my head. But thoughts on collective memory, embodied memory, biology, spirituality, life, growth… Windows, doors, archways, flight, nests, vessels, ladders, belly, roots, mystery, blessing……

Right now the cells of my body are in control. creating this life. Preparing it with nourishment and sustenance. The biology of being a woman doing what the cells are programmed to do. Just as birds know where and when to migrate. How to build the architectural miracles of their nests.

But what about the mental and spiritual preparedness of becoming a mother? Is that engrained as well? Will I know instinctually? Do my cells also have that memory of how I’m supposed to take on this role? Are there secrets that I’ve inherited from my mother, my mother’s mother, her mother, and even her mother before of how to do this? The generations before me whispering in my ear…

proof, mixed media, 16×20 inches

This painting above will look familiar. I had created a panel similar to this for Dante’s Raffle that became a journal cover. Even though my journal cover panels are complete pieces in and of themselves, sometimes I’m just not quite done with that piece in my head. I want to do it larger on a canvas and develop it a little further. So that little pink bird looking into the window was still sitting in my head chirping away.

I painted this before my first ultrasound and bloodtests when I was dealing with an annoying doctor who had a very laxed attitude toward the first visits. Without going into boring detail, even though I knew I was pregnant, I wanted proof from my healthcare providers that everything was ok. But I wasn’t getting it. One visit was so frustrating that I went home and bawled for an hour straight. Maybe it was the hormones, but somethign needed to change. I have since switched doctors and am very happy now.

You can’t see it from the painting here, but at the top center of the painting is the word “proof”. There’s a lot of texture in this painting that isn’t evident unless you see it in real life.

Anyway, I think that now that little pink bird will finally quiet down in my head. Here is a detail:

detail

That helped to type that out. Hopefully it will get even more coherent as I create more pieces.