Before, when I was less frazzled, I would end each year with looking back at the artwork I made and what I had accomplished or where I grew. And I would then start the new year with looking forward at what I wanted to accomplish and areas I wanted to grow. Honestly, right now, I am just glad I’m here. Breathing.
I just spent a chunk of time trying to muddle through my spreadsheets and update what paintings I have back and where other paintings are and what sold and what didn’t sell, etc. etc. and getting all that to jive with my website. And then I spent another chunk of my afternoon reading through posts from 2020.
Here are my observations: 1) my spreadsheet of created works for 2020 is 1/4, maybe even an 1/8 of the size of created works for previous years. Translation- I didn’t make very much. 2) There are months of silence on my blog because- I didn’t make very much and I didn’t write much and I didn’t feel like writing. 3 ) I can’t remember the last time I sent out a newsletter. Very very bad, I know. But honestly I just.could.not. Too much noise in our noisy world, and I didn’t want, didn’t feel like adding to that.
Last year I felt worried, distracted, unfocused. Well, when it came to my art work I felt distracted and unfocused. I was very focused on homelife being that we were in the shutdown and then social distancing (still are pretty much) and my kids were in all virtual learning at home (still are). We also sold our house, moved to a house that we had started renovating but wasn’t done, and still now working on projects.
I learned to cut myself some slack. That I am glad that I could be present for my kids during this very unsettling time. I learned that it is really really hard for me to make art when the world seems to be in utter chaos (still is) and that it’s ok.
Yesterday I was all set on being productive and attacking my to-do list and then well, there was an attempted takeover at the Capitol Building. That sounds insane even typing that out. Anyone else have nightmarish flashbacks to Handmaid’s Tale? I mean, really, how are we supposed to just carry on when this is happening? It’s been such a crazy four years and we are in the final stretch. Holding on for better. But I am so tired.
So what did I accomplish in 2020? I’m still here and I’m still breathing. There are many who can’t say the same sadly. May they rest in peace.
I have been writing everyday though still, either here or in my journal since December 26, so 15 days. It is helpful.